Terms of service
(loose).

You have already agreed.

By accessing the Service, creating an account, placing an order, receiving an order placed by another user, or being physically present in a metropolitan area where we operate, you acknowledge that you have read, understood, and agreed to these Terms. We accept the convention that "I did not read this" is not, in itself, a defense.

If you do not agree to these Terms, you must immediately cease using the Service, refrain from being kicked, and consider relocating to Vermont or Hawaii, where the Service is not available.

What we mean when we say things.

"Service" means the on-demand fulfillment platform operated by Goodfoot Holdings, Inc. and its affiliates, and any future business lines we have not yet announced.

"Customer" means the person who places the order, regardless of who is actually paying.

"Target" means the natural person specified by the Customer at the time of order, including their pelvic region or, in the absence thereof, the functionally equivalent zone selected by our trained Contractor.

"Contractor" means an independent, vetted, occasionally bonded individual who has agreed to fulfill orders on the Service. Contractors are not employees, agents, or, for tax purposes, our problem.

"Kick" means the discrete act of fulfillment, which may take the form of a Knee Tap, Classic Punt, Roundhouse, or such other mode of impact as we may from time to time introduce.

"Closure" means whatever the Customer reports feeling, after the fact.

Who can use this.

You must be at least 18 years of age, of sound mind (interpreted broadly), and not currently a defendant in a federal proceeding to which we are also a party. You must not be currently incarcerated, although certain pre-trial customers have been accommodated on a case-by-case basis.

You may not place an order on a Target who is: a sitting U.S. Senator, a member of the federal judiciary, a current employee of the Service, or a person who has within the past 90 days obtained a restraining order against you. The first three are policy. The last is operational.

What we do, approximately.

We operate a marketplace connecting Customers with Contractors. We do not, ourselves, kick anyone. The kicking is, legally speaking, performed by independent third parties who have voluntarily entered into the Contractor Agreement and who alone bear responsibility for their own footwork, follow-through, and follow-up.

We make no warranty regarding the location, force, accuracy, or photographic quality of any Kick, except as expressly set forth in your selected tier and as further qualified by Section 08.

You will be charged.

All orders are payable in advance, in U.S. dollars or such cryptocurrencies as we may from time to time accept. Charges appear on your statement as GOODFOOT WELLNESS LLC, NORTHSTAR LOGISTICS, or, in some markets, UBER EATS. This is the discreet billing guarantee.

Tier upgrades, custom monologues, anonymous notes, video documentation, weather surcharges, post-impact debriefs, expedited dispatch, and the Pelvic Region Package™ are billed separately. A non-refundable platform fee of $8.50 applies to all orders, including those that are subsequently cancelled, mistakenly placed, or fulfilled against the wrong person.

What you may not do.

You agree that you will not use the Service to:

• place an order on yourself, except in jurisdictions where this is recognized as a legitimate form of insurance fraud;
• place an order on a minor under any circumstances, even if they are a "really annoying minor";
• place sequential orders on the same Target within any 14-day rolling window without written approval from your assigned Closure Specialist;
• induce a Contractor to deliver a Kick outside the Service (i.e., "off-platform"), or to deviate from the parameters specified at order time;
• resell, sublicense, or gift orders without disclosing the gift designation in the manner required by Section 04 of the Gift Rider;
• scrape, crawl, mirror, reverse-engineer, or otherwise reproduce the Service, including by writing a competing product called "a foot to the groin dot net" or any substantial variation thereof.

Violation of this Section may result in suspension, banishment, and forwarding of your account file to the appropriate authorities or, in some cases, to your mother.

There are, generally, no refunds.

Once a Kick is delivered, it cannot, by definition, be un-kicked. We do not offer refunds for delivered Kicks under any circumstances, including but not limited to: regret, sobriety, reconciliation, identification of mistaken Target after the fact, intervention by a mutual friend, or sudden recognition that "they didn't really deserve it."

We do, at our discretion, offer the following partial remedies:

• Apology dispatch — same Contractor, different tone, $79;
• Mistaken-identity credit — 10% off your next order, upon submission of two forms of evidence and a notarized statement;
• Goodwill gesture — a written note from us, on letterhead, expressing regret without admitting fault.

As is. As-where. As-found.

THE SERVICE IS PROVIDED "AS IS" AND "AS AVAILABLE." WE DISCLAIM ALL WARRANTIES, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY, FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, NONINFRINGEMENT, EMOTIONAL RELIEF, KARMIC BALANCE, OR "FEELING BETTER ABOUT IT NOW."

We do not warrant that the Service will achieve closure, that Kicks will be delivered to the precise zone you imagined, or that your Target will respond in any particular way. People are unpredictable. So are knees.

Our exposure, capped.

To the maximum extent permitted by applicable law, our aggregate liability to you for any and all claims arising out of or related to the Service is limited to the greater of: (a) the amount you paid us in the 30 days preceding the event giving rise to the claim, or (b) $50.

Under no circumstances are we liable for indirect, incidental, consequential, special, exemplary, or punitive damages, including but not limited to: lost wages, lost relationships, lost custody, hospital co-pays, dental work, the cost of new pants, or pain and suffering of the Target.

No suing. Mostly.

Any dispute arising out of or relating to these Terms or the Service shall be resolved by binding individual arbitration conducted in Cheyenne, Wyoming, under the rules of the American Arbitration Association, before an arbitrator we have selected from a panel we maintain. You hereby waive your right to participate in a class action, mass action, or any form of collective proceeding, including the kind where you and three friends pool your stories and call a 60 Minutes producer.

This Section does not apply to claims for injunctive relief brought by us, or to small-claims actions under $10,000, or to anything our outside counsel later decides should not apply to it.

These Terms may change at any time.

We may modify these Terms at any time, for any reason, with or without notice. Material changes may, at our discretion, be communicated via email, push notification, the footer of this website, or a small printed card included with your next order. Continued use of the Service after any change constitutes acceptance of the change.

If you object to a change, your sole remedy is to stop using the Service and to refrain from being kicked. The change still applies to anything that happened before you stopped.

If a court strikes one part, the rest stays.

If any provision of these Terms is held by a court of competent jurisdiction to be invalid, illegal, unenforceable, or "frankly unbelievable," that provision shall be severed from these Terms, and the remaining provisions shall continue in full force and effect, including the parts a reasonable person might assume were thrown in for cover.

The headings in these Terms are for convenience only. The numbering is also for convenience. The actual document is much longer and is held in escrow by our counsel.